Existential Angst....

"Tomorrow, and tomorrow, and tomorrow creeps in this petty pace from day to day, To the last syllable of recorded time; And all our yesterdays have lighted fools the way to dusty death. Out, out brief candle! Life's but a walking shadow, a poor player that struts and frets his hour upon the stage And then is heard no more: it is a tale told by an idiot, full of sound and fury, signifying nothing." -- Macbeth, Act 5, Scene 5

Yeah. Exactly.

Sound and Fury. Drama. Stuff. And then nothing.

Oh yes, I have relationships - some of which are very important to me, in fact - and things to do; a job - social things, events, my exercise (walking three miles a day) so on and so forth. And I truly am invested in many of these things - interested, engaged, and happy enough about doing them. Except, of course when I'm tired and don't really feel like it, but that's neither here nor there.

More and more I find myself looking at things from a much larger perspective - looking at the way generations past and presumably generations to come lived/live/will live their lives and then step aside for the next generation to step in, "do THEIR thing" and step aside, on and on ad infinitum.

My youngest (age 31) daughter is pregnant with her second child eight years after her first was born. I think about how I was pregnant with my children - and raised them - and they grew up, became adults, and are now doing the same thing with yet one more generation. My daughter's life is very busy with her work, her husband and daughter, her friends, her church activities (she tutors school-age kids, sings in the choir, sits on the trustee board and no doubt is involved in many other things in the church of which I am not aware. At one time we were very close - spoke for sure every day, and saw each other at least a couple of times a week. Now, I'm lucky if I hear from her a couple of times a week and see her once or twice a month. And she lives five minutes away from us!

I feel like I am phasing out of motherhood, and phasing out, in general, of the *family* portion of my life. My middle daughter (age 37) has never been quite so attached as my younger girl was - we have always loved each other dearly, of course, but she was very independent as a child, and has only become more so as she has grown and matured. But with her, I'm used to a once weekly catch-up, and an occasional drop in visit when she wants to vent about her job (she's the executive director for MA & CT of a large, national non-profit organization) and, of course seeing her when we have a big family dinner for one occasion or the other. And my eldest daughter has lived her own life for many years, now - a good distance away from the rest of us, and so I don't see her often at all.

And my son lives in California. I see him two or three times a year, and speak on the phone once a month or so.

But my younger girl, I have always been very close to, and it's only been over the past year or so that I've felt her really detaching and creating a life for herself that doesn't revolve around our relationship. And it's disconcerting. Difficult. Dare I say hurtful to me? And what's truly crazy about this is that I really understand perfectly, because my damned graduate degree is in psychology/sociology!!!!!!!!!!! AND, I have done a good bit of work in exploring my own spirituality, and the sort of philosopy that advises that we detach ourselves from outcomes....etc., etc.

And that's fine, well and good so long as everything stays the same.....LOL.

Of COURSE this is all about change and my struggling for things not to change. But they will, and I will adjust, and life will, as Willie Shakespeare says, continue to creep in this petty pace from day to day, until it doesn't anymore.

No, I'm not depressed, or at least not dangerously so. Even as I write this, my mind is busy making adjustments and planning and strategizing for how I will evolve in this new set of conditions.

But I don't LIKE it, and I do sometimes wonder what the hell the point is, you know?